It was just after 6 pm on a wintery, Saturday evening and still quiet in the sprawling lounge of the Rose and Crown. Shirley edged herself into a padded seat and placed her Bacardi and coke on the table. Tracey sauntered across the room and slid into the place besides her.
Tracey “All right Shirley?”
Shirley “Yeah, Jeff's coming in later, been playing football with Nigel.”
Tracey “Oh, right.”
Shirley “Just seen your Dad in the snug Trace, watching the telly.”
Tracey “Yeah, it's the Chelsea game, not going to miss the Chelsea game, is he?”
Shirley “Your Mum comin' in later?”
Tracey “Nah, she's in Tenerife.”
Shirley “What, without your Dad?
Tracey “He don't like the heat, nor the food with all that olive oil an' garlic and, he's happier at home watching telly.”
Shirley “Oh, who's she gone with then, your Mum, her bingo mates?”
Tracey lowered her voice. “Naw, she's gone with her fancyman!”
Shirley “Fancyman? Your Mum's got a fancyman?”
Tracey “Yeah, it ain't nothin' special. Dad don't like the heat an' that, don't care for dancin' or foreign food, so he's stays at here with all his home comforts and Mum goes off to Spain to live it up for a while.”
A pause.
Shirley “Does he know, I mean does your Dad know erm, what's going on?”
Tracey “Naw, he thinks she's gone with a bunch of the girls from work. It's end of January, you know, fourth round of the FA cup and all that. She buys him a couple of crates of Watney's, fills the freezer with pies and ready cooked meals and he spends all week watching football. Put him in front of the telly with football, a plateful of pie an' mash and a bottle or two and he's as happy as a sand-boy! So, Mum goes off to Tenerife and bosch, everyone's happy. You ready for another?”
Another pause.
Tracey “Look, it ain't no big deal Shirl, it's different strokes for different folks, me Dad's a bit of a stick in the mud, me Mum still thinks she's a teenager. He's happy in his carpet slippers in front of the box, Mum love's dressing up, fine food and wine and dancing the night away. She's the life and soul of the party, my Mum, whilst me Dad's got one foot in the grave! If you know what I mean.”
Shirley “But don't he know?”
Tracey “No he don’t and what he don't know won't hurt him. What's the point in trying to make him, or her change their ways, at their age. She's got no interest in football, he's got no interest in dancing. They just have a week or so doing their own thing, two or three times a year.”
Shirley “Two or three times a year?” Shirley exploded. “You mean this goes on …...........!”
Tracey “All right, all right Shirl', keep yer voice down, we don't want this in this getting into the Sunday papers! It ain't no big deal but it is my business, our business now, so keep yer trap shut.”
Tracy rose, took their empty glasses and headed for the bar. When she returned Shirley still wore a pained expression.
Shirley “Don't he ever ask her how she got on? Or what she did or where she went?”
Tracey “No he don't and she don't ask him who won the bleedin' football. Look Shirl, Mum an' Dad went on holiday to Spain about ten years ago, he had too many St Miguels one lunchtime and fell asleep on the beach without his shirt on, got sunburnt and spent the rest of the holiday indoors. Next year he insisted on a week in Southend, it poured all week so they sat in the pub watching telly. Next year she went to Spain with her sister and he stayed at home, sorted, an' everybody was happy!”
Shirley “Does you mum and erm whats-his-name, erm, do they, well, you know............?”
Tracey “Oh for God's sake Shirley, grow up! Do you think they had separate bedrooms? Fancy man don't mean 'just good friends', it means 'lover', 'mistress', 'a bit on the side'. It means dirty weekends, sexy nighties, naughty an' nice and nudge-nudge, wink-wink!”
Shirley “Well, you don't wrap it up in cotton wool, do you Trace? You lay it all out, warts an' all, don't you. I can't pretend I'm not shaken, not least with your, your attitude to it all.”
Tracey shrugged, indifferently.
Shirley “Who does she tell your Dad she going away with?”
Tracey “Told you, girls from work.”
Shirley “And what about him, what about the fancy man?”
Tracey “I dunno, tells his missus he’s playing golf with his mates, I think!”
Shirley “Where's the fancy man come into it then? Who is he then?”
Tracey “She's known him for years, they were in the same class at school or something when she was a girl. Later, they worked in the same office at Gibson's, used to sit with each other in the canteen, then they went on a weekend course together, it sort of snowballed from there.”
Shirley “Oh my God!”
Tracey “Listen Shirl, there's nothing wrong with it. Nobody is stealing anything, nobody knows, so nobody gets hurt. It's like, we shared a flat, you go on holiday so I borrow your bike all week, when you come back, your bike is just where you left it. No harm done, don't cost you anything and I save a week's bus fares!” and she grinned and winked.
Shirley frowned and grimaced as she took it all in. She scratched her head, then her cheek as she tried to make sense of it all. Suddenly, her face brightened.
Shirley “It'll be the end of the football season in April, what'll your Mum do then, Trace?”
Tracey “Nice thinking Shirley, but me old Mum is a couple of strides ahead of you. Dad enjoys cricket as well as football, so Mum's bought just him a season ticket for the all the matches at the Ageas Bowl! She says that its money well spent............ she calls it Sports-Aid”
Tracey “All right Shirley?”
Shirley “Yeah, Jeff's coming in later, been playing football with Nigel.”
Tracey “Oh, right.”
Shirley “Just seen your Dad in the snug Trace, watching the telly.”
Tracey “Yeah, it's the Chelsea game, not going to miss the Chelsea game, is he?”
Shirley “Your Mum comin' in later?”
Tracey “Nah, she's in Tenerife.”
Shirley “What, without your Dad?
Tracey “He don't like the heat, nor the food with all that olive oil an' garlic and, he's happier at home watching telly.”
Shirley “Oh, who's she gone with then, your Mum, her bingo mates?”
Tracey lowered her voice. “Naw, she's gone with her fancyman!”
Shirley “Fancyman? Your Mum's got a fancyman?”
Tracey “Yeah, it ain't nothin' special. Dad don't like the heat an' that, don't care for dancin' or foreign food, so he's stays at here with all his home comforts and Mum goes off to Spain to live it up for a while.”
A pause.
Shirley “Does he know, I mean does your Dad know erm, what's going on?”
Tracey “Naw, he thinks she's gone with a bunch of the girls from work. It's end of January, you know, fourth round of the FA cup and all that. She buys him a couple of crates of Watney's, fills the freezer with pies and ready cooked meals and he spends all week watching football. Put him in front of the telly with football, a plateful of pie an' mash and a bottle or two and he's as happy as a sand-boy! So, Mum goes off to Tenerife and bosch, everyone's happy. You ready for another?”
Another pause.
Tracey “Look, it ain't no big deal Shirl, it's different strokes for different folks, me Dad's a bit of a stick in the mud, me Mum still thinks she's a teenager. He's happy in his carpet slippers in front of the box, Mum love's dressing up, fine food and wine and dancing the night away. She's the life and soul of the party, my Mum, whilst me Dad's got one foot in the grave! If you know what I mean.”
Shirley “But don't he know?”
Tracey “No he don’t and what he don't know won't hurt him. What's the point in trying to make him, or her change their ways, at their age. She's got no interest in football, he's got no interest in dancing. They just have a week or so doing their own thing, two or three times a year.”
Shirley “Two or three times a year?” Shirley exploded. “You mean this goes on …...........!”
Tracey “All right, all right Shirl', keep yer voice down, we don't want this in this getting into the Sunday papers! It ain't no big deal but it is my business, our business now, so keep yer trap shut.”
Tracy rose, took their empty glasses and headed for the bar. When she returned Shirley still wore a pained expression.
Shirley “Don't he ever ask her how she got on? Or what she did or where she went?”
Tracey “No he don't and she don't ask him who won the bleedin' football. Look Shirl, Mum an' Dad went on holiday to Spain about ten years ago, he had too many St Miguels one lunchtime and fell asleep on the beach without his shirt on, got sunburnt and spent the rest of the holiday indoors. Next year he insisted on a week in Southend, it poured all week so they sat in the pub watching telly. Next year she went to Spain with her sister and he stayed at home, sorted, an' everybody was happy!”
Shirley “Does you mum and erm whats-his-name, erm, do they, well, you know............?”
Tracey “Oh for God's sake Shirley, grow up! Do you think they had separate bedrooms? Fancy man don't mean 'just good friends', it means 'lover', 'mistress', 'a bit on the side'. It means dirty weekends, sexy nighties, naughty an' nice and nudge-nudge, wink-wink!”
Shirley “Well, you don't wrap it up in cotton wool, do you Trace? You lay it all out, warts an' all, don't you. I can't pretend I'm not shaken, not least with your, your attitude to it all.”
Tracey shrugged, indifferently.
Shirley “Who does she tell your Dad she going away with?”
Tracey “Told you, girls from work.”
Shirley “And what about him, what about the fancy man?”
Tracey “I dunno, tells his missus he’s playing golf with his mates, I think!”
Shirley “Where's the fancy man come into it then? Who is he then?”
Tracey “She's known him for years, they were in the same class at school or something when she was a girl. Later, they worked in the same office at Gibson's, used to sit with each other in the canteen, then they went on a weekend course together, it sort of snowballed from there.”
Shirley “Oh my God!”
Tracey “Listen Shirl, there's nothing wrong with it. Nobody is stealing anything, nobody knows, so nobody gets hurt. It's like, we shared a flat, you go on holiday so I borrow your bike all week, when you come back, your bike is just where you left it. No harm done, don't cost you anything and I save a week's bus fares!” and she grinned and winked.
Shirley frowned and grimaced as she took it all in. She scratched her head, then her cheek as she tried to make sense of it all. Suddenly, her face brightened.
Shirley “It'll be the end of the football season in April, what'll your Mum do then, Trace?”
Tracey “Nice thinking Shirley, but me old Mum is a couple of strides ahead of you. Dad enjoys cricket as well as football, so Mum's bought just him a season ticket for the all the matches at the Ageas Bowl! She says that its money well spent............ she calls it Sports-Aid”