A grey faced man responded to the bell at the lost property counter. He enquired what had been mislaid.
“You”ve lost a what?”
“An L.”
“An ell? Like a tailor? My grandad was a tailor. He”d talk about an ell of worsted. You can”t just lose 45 inches. It has to be 45 inches of something. Goodness, there would be people coming back from the races in here all the time, saying they have lost a furlong if you could lose an ell.”
“No,” said the passenger, “It”s a letter L. I am sure I had it when I left this morning, but now it is missing.”
“Oh, that kind of L. Well, it won”t be here. You need to go up the stairs to the G A S P office. Other side of the concourse.”
At the second office, the man behind the counter, a carbon copy of the first, did seem to grasp the problem quite quickly.
“An L, you say? I don”t think we”ve had one of them handed in today. Mind you, I have been cataloguing, so not been on the desk much. If things aren”t claimed in 3 months they get sold, and there”s an auction next week.”
“Oh, anything interesting in the sale?”
“Not really. We get loads of greengrocers in, wanting apostrophes. Demand always outstrips supply of those little buggers. Although there is one lady who is always coming in with a collection of them that she has whipped out of predictive text it”s, when it should be possessive its. She just wants shot of them, and I tell her she won”t like where they will end up, but she doesn”t listen. It”s not as if they will be going to good homes. “Funny you have lost an L, though. Asda lost one of them from a plant label only this week. Sea Holy, it said. Still that doesn”t help your no L problem.”
“I don”t have a Noël problem, I enjoyed a delightful Christmas with my family.”
“I”m not talking about the festive season, that was months ago. I mean the L that you no longer have. Or should that be no “onger have? Haha!”
“I do have one L, but I should have two.”
“Is that a T O, a T O O, or a T W O?”
“Oh for goodness sake! Are you sure one has not been handed in?”
“Where was it when last you had it?”
“It was with me when I left home this morning. In the word “Traveller”.
“Ah, that might explain it. You don”t happen to have applied for American citizenship in recent days? That could account for it. They take away Us, too, from colour and neighbour and so on.”
“No I certainly have not.”
“Or did you travel from Wales? The Welsh are always scrounging for extra Ls, for all those words like Lloyd, or Llantrisant. It could have been nicked.”
“No, I came from Banbury.”
“Well it sounds to me as if it has disappeared during your journey today.”
“That”s why I am in this lost property department!”
“…if you could let me finish. On your journey, if perchance you passed through Facebook, or Text, all sorts of things happen to spelling there. The letter U for you, N O for know. It makes some people positively ill to have a Facebook account. They all join TAPS.”
“What is TAPS?”
“Officially, The Apostrophe Protection Society, but it spreads to spellings. That”s how I knew about the Sea Holy.”
“This is all very interesting, but what about my L?”
“My advice, sir, is to check again when you get home. There is every chance that is has merely dematerialised due to Facebook, or Text, en route today, and will reappear in due course. If needs be you may need to reselect English (UK) or use an incantation from Susie Dent to solve the problem, but it often rights itself.”
“Really? And what if it doesn”t?”
“I”m sure it will sort itself out but if it doesn”t – and I am not supposed to do this - let me give you the number here and I can give you some advice. Make sure you speak to me, not one of my colleagues.”
“That”s very decent of you, thank you very much. So you are Gordon Bennet, of the GASP department. What does that stand for?”
“Grammar and Spelling Pedants, sir. Hope you don”t need to call me. Mind how you go!”
“You”ve lost a what?”
“An L.”
“An ell? Like a tailor? My grandad was a tailor. He”d talk about an ell of worsted. You can”t just lose 45 inches. It has to be 45 inches of something. Goodness, there would be people coming back from the races in here all the time, saying they have lost a furlong if you could lose an ell.”
“No,” said the passenger, “It”s a letter L. I am sure I had it when I left this morning, but now it is missing.”
“Oh, that kind of L. Well, it won”t be here. You need to go up the stairs to the G A S P office. Other side of the concourse.”
At the second office, the man behind the counter, a carbon copy of the first, did seem to grasp the problem quite quickly.
“An L, you say? I don”t think we”ve had one of them handed in today. Mind you, I have been cataloguing, so not been on the desk much. If things aren”t claimed in 3 months they get sold, and there”s an auction next week.”
“Oh, anything interesting in the sale?”
“Not really. We get loads of greengrocers in, wanting apostrophes. Demand always outstrips supply of those little buggers. Although there is one lady who is always coming in with a collection of them that she has whipped out of predictive text it”s, when it should be possessive its. She just wants shot of them, and I tell her she won”t like where they will end up, but she doesn”t listen. It”s not as if they will be going to good homes. “Funny you have lost an L, though. Asda lost one of them from a plant label only this week. Sea Holy, it said. Still that doesn”t help your no L problem.”
“I don”t have a Noël problem, I enjoyed a delightful Christmas with my family.”
“I”m not talking about the festive season, that was months ago. I mean the L that you no longer have. Or should that be no “onger have? Haha!”
“I do have one L, but I should have two.”
“Is that a T O, a T O O, or a T W O?”
“Oh for goodness sake! Are you sure one has not been handed in?”
“Where was it when last you had it?”
“It was with me when I left home this morning. In the word “Traveller”.
“Ah, that might explain it. You don”t happen to have applied for American citizenship in recent days? That could account for it. They take away Us, too, from colour and neighbour and so on.”
“No I certainly have not.”
“Or did you travel from Wales? The Welsh are always scrounging for extra Ls, for all those words like Lloyd, or Llantrisant. It could have been nicked.”
“No, I came from Banbury.”
“Well it sounds to me as if it has disappeared during your journey today.”
“That”s why I am in this lost property department!”
“…if you could let me finish. On your journey, if perchance you passed through Facebook, or Text, all sorts of things happen to spelling there. The letter U for you, N O for know. It makes some people positively ill to have a Facebook account. They all join TAPS.”
“What is TAPS?”
“Officially, The Apostrophe Protection Society, but it spreads to spellings. That”s how I knew about the Sea Holy.”
“This is all very interesting, but what about my L?”
“My advice, sir, is to check again when you get home. There is every chance that is has merely dematerialised due to Facebook, or Text, en route today, and will reappear in due course. If needs be you may need to reselect English (UK) or use an incantation from Susie Dent to solve the problem, but it often rights itself.”
“Really? And what if it doesn”t?”
“I”m sure it will sort itself out but if it doesn”t – and I am not supposed to do this - let me give you the number here and I can give you some advice. Make sure you speak to me, not one of my colleagues.”
“That”s very decent of you, thank you very much. So you are Gordon Bennet, of the GASP department. What does that stand for?”
“Grammar and Spelling Pedants, sir. Hope you don”t need to call me. Mind how you go!”